A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
