Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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