theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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