Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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