god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
