I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
