apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm like, not good at living.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
