My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.