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well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Randomize
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