May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
