I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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