true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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