Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
