dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
