I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
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If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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