Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
