There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
