i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
