2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
