Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
