Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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