My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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