There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
