see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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