peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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