glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
