well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
