i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
