Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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