M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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