I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
