I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
