Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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