i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Couch. On fire.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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