Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
