I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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