Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
