How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
