How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
