im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
