so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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