sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
