all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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