I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize