Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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