I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
