I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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