so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
