My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
