Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
