He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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