Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
