either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
