I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
