i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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