Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
