I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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