we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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